07December2019

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I remember saying goodbye

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Finding out they were disbanding. First hearing that D'Arcy was leaving and letting Auf Der Maur take her place in the Machina tour. I told myself I would never stop loving them. Even though there was nothing else to look forward too. There were two things I waited for with more enthusiam than anything else. The Final show at the Metro and the Music Video DVD. Rotten Apples and Judas O were great but actually being able to see the Pumpkins immortalized on DVD was great. Sure Viewphoria had done that but it became harder and harder to find over the years. At least this way people that were touched by the last few years of the band knew that there was a way they could still see them anytime they wanted too.

 

Letting go is one of the hardest things to do. I can't remember crying more than I had that night at the Metro.Crying through nearly every song. When I watch the clip of Fuck You preformed I can actually spot myself in the crowd. Crying like a baby. Gazing upon Billy James and Jimmy. (Auf Der Maur really didn't matter to me as much) I felt like old friends were leaving me. I felt like I was being abandoned, but I still would love them forever. I still would love Billy. I felt like through his music I was personally connected to him. From all the times I listened while I was ready to end it all to the times I was serenely happy, his music became the very essence of my world and it felt like there would never be a new chapter. Never a new song that would say exactly how I felt. Never a new theme for the day. Never a new song to make love to.

 I cried harder as I knew the show was coming to a close. I cried on the way home. I cried the next day. I suppose it was the same for me as it was for my mother then The Beatles broke up. A band that defined a generation. Although most people don't see it. The Smashing Pumpkins made a large contribution to 90's pop culture and now they are coming back. Even if they didn't come back they would never be forgotten.

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