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Re: Creative Writing 7 years 4 months ago #111379

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With The Fence and The White Room, you had a story. The White Room was especially thick. Yes it's true, they were missing the insights, but The Living Dead is missing more of a story. I understand you're not aiming for that (only by your comments, not by the piece itself), but how it translates to me is just the 'inner' conflict, without the external. For me, I think external is generally more important, but a good external conflict is improved dramatically by an author who understands the internal.

It's sort of like if 3 guys came back from surviving a high school massacre, they all have interesting stories to tell, but the person who gives it that extra touch of insight is who we want to listen to the most.

Now, if the same 3 guys come out of an ordinary day at school and tell you how it was, you're still gonna want to listen to the cool guy, but if a massacre breaks out somewhere else, I'm going to have to stop and interrupt him.
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Re: Creative Writing 7 years 4 months ago #111380

Yeah, but there is no real story to tell with this latest piece. Or am I missing something myself?
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Re: Creative Writing 7 years 4 months ago #111383

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Well, there's always as much story as you want :billy

It's not bad in itself. If it was at the beginning of a collection, I'd keep reading sure. Same if it was the start of a novel. But just extending it a bit could make it much more. I think it's also not as weird as the other two. It's great you have that, easy going, commercial voice, with some intelligent insight and slanted view of the world, just attach that to a plot and you'll have a winner :)
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Re: Creative Writing 7 years 4 months ago #111384

Ok, I think I see what you mean...

So, are you saying you would've preferred if I'd taken it to be an actual story and described some unfolding events, rather than just a man thinking? For example:

I woke up this morning to her cold breath down my back. Her clammy, stale corpse sagging against me... and then walked him through a day (or bits of one) commentating as he goes?
I could kind of see that, but I think I actually prefer having it just as a short narration, a brief description of the way he sees the world. Of course, there are no actual "zombies" there at all, which is why I don't think this would lend itself well to be fleshed out with more action. It's really just a look in that guy's head and from there seeing the world through his eyes.

I won't post up any more of these pointless short pieces, but when I write a more fleshed out story (still, short, but with a more traditional aspect of action unfolding), I will put that on and see what you think.

Really appreciating the feedback, Frank :)

Of course, I'd love to write an actual novel, and have many ideas (well, partial ones), but I'm too easily distracted to focus on one thing for very long, unfortunately.
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Re: Creative Writing 7 years 4 months ago #111385

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You're spot on with your example. It's important to have that action unfolding.

Given the right context of course, it is acceptable not to have that action ... I mean even as it is, it's OK... Hmm... There are other pieces without the action I recall that sold it a bit better... Actually I think it's an issue of depth... I can't really 'dive' into the Dead Living... Yeah, story gives depth...

Looking forward then to the next one.

I'm not writing much short work at the moment. I'm slowly plodding away on my novel The Park. I'm about a third of the way there. Maybe a bit more. I'm not putting any of that online, so PM if you want to read a chapter or whatever.
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Re: Creative Writing 7 years 4 months ago #111386

Ok then, I see what you mean and although I do agree that a story with unfolding action gives more depth (especially when characters can then react and change according to what's happening) I'm still happy with what I wrote today as it is. Just in the sense that although all the text was improvised as I wrote it, the idea in my head when I started was just to write a short narrative like that.

I might try and start a short story next then, just for you... no idea what I'll write it about though. I like that I'm forcing myself to write every day, but it kinda fills me with panic now every day that I sit down to write, in case I can't come up with an idea...

Nice work on the novel there Frankie, I wish I could stay focused like that. How long have you been working on it altogether? Maybe once I get back into writing (which is the whole point of me forcing myself to write a little every day) I might try and work on something more long term.
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Re: Creative Writing 7 years 4 months ago #111413

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It's great you're committing yourself to writing, I find that online inspiration is a great thing to have (offline people suck hey ;) )

The Park has been a long running project for me. There have been a multitude of abandoned versions, the earliest was in 2008. Every time I spend away from it, I was always coming back, always wanting to finish this story. I believe I began this official draft in October of last year. I've been writing it pretty slowly, and getting critiqued by Joey (forgottenandabsorbed) and at critiquecircle.com, which any aspiring writer should check out.
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Re: Creative Writing 7 years 4 months ago #111417

The problem is, I can very easily be prone to bouts of extreme depression where my basic thought will be "what's the point anyway?" - I actually felt like that this morning, but seeing as I'd promised to deliver you a "real" short story, I forced myself to start on one anyway. Hopefully I'll have it done in the next day or two - I don't think it'll be what you're expecting though ;)

I used to write a lot when I was around 19 through 24 (ish). I remember starting a lot of projects and then re-starting over and over and not finishing many of them. I did used to write a lot, often, back then though, but then stopped. Finding it hard to totally get back into it without just thinking it's a waste of time though.

Oh, and as for online inspiration, it is a great thing to have. No one I know in real life writes (at least not to my knowledge) and there's no support or inspiration there (other than token support from my GF). It's good to have someone who also writes to talk to - I know I could join actual writing communities online (or even locally) but I haven't been bothered to do so yet.
I actually probably would've given up to the whole "write a bit every day" idea today (after a whole 4 days doing it!) if it wasn't for me saying I was going to send you a proper short story, so in many ways you have kept me writing... for now 8-)
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Last Edit: 7 years 4 months ago by epitome.
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Re: Creative Writing 7 years 4 months ago #111827

Today, I re-wrote the lyrics to this song: :)


Warning: Spoiler! [ Click to expand ]
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Re: Creative Writing 6 years 11 months ago #116306

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I finished the first draft of my novel The Park today. One of the best moments in an author's life hey.

Onto the editing process pronto, and yeah getting some online people to help out.

I updated the blurb today.... Just cause I was in the mood...


Stop. Shut up. Listen.

Once upon a time there was a park in the middle of nowhere who liked little children.
Once upon a time a boy named Samuel Nash was one of the children they liked.

Since his time in the Park, Sam hasn't been feeling too well.
That foster mum who forgets your lunch.
That teacher who bothers you about homework.
Your best friend thinks it's funny to watch child porn.

Well, one day Sam's all grown up and has himself a well paying job,
and a nice little family who live in his house.

When he smiles, you think he's happy.
When he cries, you think he's sad.

When Sam comes home from work and tells you about his day, you think that's what he's talking about.


The Park.

It promises to haunt you forever.

The Park.

It promises to change the way you think.

The Park.

It bring feelings out of you you never knew you had.


THE PARK

You will never forget.
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Re: Creative Writing 6 years 11 months ago #116308

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This is so cool - I'd love to be a test reader if you don't mind. :)

The funny thing is, after a break of almost half a year I decided to continue writing on my novel Schattengänger yesterday, so the coincidence is really great here.
Sharing could be a problem since I'm understandably writing in my native language but a friend of mine who is studying the English language for years now already told me that he could do a professional translation at one point.
Last Edit: 6 years 11 months ago by DON.
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Re: Creative Writing 6 years 11 months ago #116311

frankB wrote:
I finished the first draft of my novel The Park today. One of the best moments in an author's life hey.

Onto the editing process pronto, and yeah getting some online people to help out.

I updated the blurb today.... Just cause I was in the mood...


Stop. Shut up. Listen.

Once upon a time there was a park in the middle of nowhere who liked little children.
Once upon a time a boy named Samuel Nash was one of the children they liked.

Since his time in the Park, Sam hasn't been feeling too well.
That foster mum who forgets your lunch.
That teacher who bothers you about homework.
Your best friend thinks it's funny to watch child porn.

Well, one day Sam's all grown up and has himself a well paying job,
and a nice little family who live in his house.

When he smiles, you think he's happy.
When he cries, you think he's sad.

When Sam comes home from work and tells you about his day, you think that's what he's talking about.


The Park.

It promises to haunt you forever.

The Park.

It promises to change the way you think.

The Park.

It bring feelings out of you you never knew you had.


THE PARK

You will never forget.

Congrats, Frank!
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Re: Creative Writing 6 years 11 months ago #116313

Awesome, well done, Frank! :D
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Creative Writing 6 years 11 months ago #116319

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Ok here is my latest bit of creative writing. Lemme know what you think ;) . But constructive criticism ONLY PLEASE! I have a very low self esteem so please only constructive criticism.

"The Atomic Clock and the Cry of the Wind"
by Nerdx

Chapter 1 - Martino Meets the Good Lord Jesus Christ for the First and Last Time

Once a time upon, in the bustling utopia of the city of New York, there lived an Italian baker by the name of Martino Valasquez. Martino was a fat balding fellow and he was quite fond of the drink , but he was an overall nice man. That is, until the night of september 22nd 2007. But I'm really getting ahead of myself here. Martino was fat and bald and drunk and all that all the time and he had a HOT ass wife named Lucinda Babblebottom. Now Luncinda was a no nonsense chick with ZERO sense of humor. Martino was a bit of a prankster and he liked practical jokes the best, but Lucinda would have NONE of that. One time he put fake dog shit in her shower and she about murdered that poor son of a bitch.

So Martino and Lucinda lived out their happy lives, day after day, in the metropolis they called home when it suddenly occured to Martino that he was never going to make anything of his life. Throwing his fat, floppy arms up to the heavens Martino cried "Lord! Please let me make something of my life!". And at just that instant a blue and purple bolt of light shone straight through Martino's wobbly gut and projected onto the dirty wall beyond. The light began to dance about and wriggle this way and that, and it soon began to morph into shapes. It finally subsided and took the form of a Beaver about the size of a midget human. He was wearing a dapper suit with a vest and a bowler hat and a cane and he was smoking a fat stogy.

"So I hear you want to make something out of your sorry life" he said to Martino with a grin. Martino was flabbergasted! Just fairy-fucking flabbergasted!

"What are you?" Martino stammered in his thick Italian accent. The well dressed beaver only smiled and licked his hairy lips. "Listen, man" Martino tried again "You'd better start talking!"

At this point the Beaver jumped into the air, did a quadruple back flip, landed on his feet, and began to sing: "Oh you sorry little human, as you can plainly see. I am the good Lord Jesus and I'm here to set you free. I'm here to set you loose from your disgusting little life. And help you learn to soar and fly and fight the honest fight. Now don't be frightened yet my child for I will keep you safe. I'll teach you all the ways of life and help you win the race!"

Martino couldn't believe what he was seeing. This wasn't like any Jesus HE had ever seen. It had to be some kind of imposter. As the Beaver continued to sing, Martino sneakily inched backwards towards his meat carving table. Jesus was so caught up in his song and dance routine that he didn't notice Martino picking up a particularly dangerous looking meat cleaver and begin to inch back towards him.

In a flash, Martino lunged forwards and drove the cleaver hard and deep, straight between the beady little Jesus eyes of that beaver. The Beaver squealed and an ocean of blood began to shoot forth from his gaping wound. He began running to and fro and crashing into all kinds of shit in Martino's kitchen. At this point Lucinda walked into the room.

"What the fuck is going on here?!" she demanded. The dying beaver crashed into her and they both fell onto the ground. Lucinda didn't like being pinned to the ground by giant, hairy, noisy, bloody messes. Not now, not never. In a fit of rage she lifted the giant Beaver over her head and through him as hard as she could across the room. The force of her throw was enough to make him crash through the kitchen wall into the living space beyond. Lucinda dive through the hole after him and began mercilessly attacking the somehow still breathing rodent. Martino began to vomit and coated the floor of his whole kitchen in a stinking messy goo. He always vomited in times of crisis. It was his tragic flaw.

The atomic clock in Martino's living room began to spin backwards and wind began to howl as someone started knocking on Martino's door. His was was screaming, Martino was puking, the Beaver was dying and squealing and writing on the ground, and someone was knocking at the door.
end of chapter 1

Well what did you think? If I get a good response here I will post chapter 2 later this week.
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Creative Writing 6 years 11 months ago #116324

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This isn't too bad nerdxxx. And by that I mean it's really bad. So bad it's good :yay

I laughed twice during the first paragraph, but then you lost me somewhere after that. I like the silliness of everything going on, it just becomes apparent that the story is intended to be silly, where in the first paragraph it was silly but almost sounded like it was trying to be serious, which is where you get the humor. Keep it up ... maybe create a realistic backdrop for these antics to take place...
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Re: Creative Writing 6 years 11 months ago #116325

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DON wrote:
This is so cool - I'd love to be a test reader if you don't mind. :)

The funny thing is, after a break of almost half a year I decided to continue writing on my novel Schattengänger yesterday, so the coincidence is really great here.
Sharing could be a problem since I'm understandably writing in my native language but a friend of mine who is studying the English language for years now already told me that he could do a professional translation at one point.


I will definitely take you up on that offer Don :billy

I'll take about a week to read through it and make sure everything is in working order before it goes out to anyone, but I'll be sure to PM you after that.

Yeah, as you know I don't speak German. You'd think in this day and age there would be a program you could just drop your novel into and get a translate. I mean there probably is.

I'll be more than happy to inline critique anything that's in English. I remember you had some good ideas there...
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Re: Creative Writing 6 years 11 months ago #116328

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Nerdx, that was a brilliant! It was clearly an allegory for the spiritual crisis wrought about by the material vacuousness of bourgeois postmodernity... ;)
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Re: Creative Writing 6 years 11 months ago #116331

I only bothered to read nerdxx's thing after I read Frank's comments about it... but yeah, that was pretty funny stuff :)
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Re: Creative Writing 6 years 11 months ago #116335

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We all are so talented :)
I wouldn't mind reading more stuff here, I also liked what nerdxx wrote (that's exactly what I expect these day's Billy to write) :D
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Re: Creative Writing 6 years 8 months ago #117884

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DON has finished reading my upcoming novel The Park.

You can read his review here:

shaneajeffery.blogspot.com.au/2012/11/ma...ews-my-upcoming.html


It's quite an entertaining read. I couldn't have written it better if I was writing the review myself lol


Many thanks to DON for this! Especially for giving it an 11 out of 10, because we all know 10 just wouldn't have been good enough :D
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